i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
