Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
