I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
