You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
