By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
