It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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