I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
