Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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