i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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