My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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