Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
