he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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