Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
