Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Randomize
