Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
