You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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