Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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