I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
