Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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