Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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