Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
