How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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