these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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