You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize