bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
