And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
