I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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