I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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