haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
