3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
