Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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