So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
