my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
