If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
