Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
