Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
