Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is Oprah even human
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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