Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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