Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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