oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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