Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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