ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
