you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
