if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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