you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
