I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
