Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
