i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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