Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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