Your mouth is God's brothel.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
