I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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