true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
