Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Drunk is a universal language darling
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
