I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize