sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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