i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
