my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
