I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
