I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
